[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
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My dress code is business-casualty.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
My first child will be named New Folder.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Great acting.. 😂
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”