Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
sigh
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.