I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
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Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Not my job 😂
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Breaking news:
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.