I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
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“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.