They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
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person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.