*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
You Might Also Like
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.