Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
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REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Meow