SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
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After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
paddle faster i hear baby shark
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”