The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
You Might Also Like
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Bobby pin
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Pat is about to own someone
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.