*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
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If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
i did the math
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Monday
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking