me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
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Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”