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LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide