I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
giddy up Office Depot
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells