we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
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BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Livid.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*