My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
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5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact