Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
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My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good