That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
You Might Also Like
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 馃槫
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren鈥檛 fans of the tickle monster
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor鈥檚 yard.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT鈥橲 GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I鈥橪L NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY鈥攐h, here it is.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
馃幎 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn鈥檛 finish high school