So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
You Might Also Like
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
How does one answer this?
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?