What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
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When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!