Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
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H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Not today