Phones down.
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Finally a use for spoilers…
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Bless you
Strange
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.