[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
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Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.