Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
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7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
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For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
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Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm