I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…