My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
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It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Favourite diary entry ever
I have so many questions.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
79.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come