My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
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Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.