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Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
(2022)
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”