Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
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Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore