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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco