My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
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[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.