Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
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[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”