*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
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gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.