🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
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starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
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If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
LOL!
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch