[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
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DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema