Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
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“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Breaking news:
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
this isn’t threatening at all
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.