Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
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reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
socratic questions
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes