“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
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Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”