Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
dude it’s called proctologist
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.