Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
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My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
a lot to unpack here
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
This is a true ally.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
A bold strategy
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.