i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
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I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks