Pickled cat.
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I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I haven鈥檛 cleaned my shower in so long, it鈥檚 becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that鈥檚 ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we鈥檒l take it
I鈥檒l be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine鈥檚 Day
she鈥檚 a 10 but Excel thinks she鈥檚 October
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Pandas 馃惣馃枻
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 馃
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I鈥檇 place me late 20th century.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I鈥檒l hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you鈥檒l never use
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I put the mess in domestic.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.