My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
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Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Wikigenius
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.