The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
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Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Not now. I’m deglazing.