me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
You Might Also Like
What’s a Messi?
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.