When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
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Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.