Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
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friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?