I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
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Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.