Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
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You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?