it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
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Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
So the ex texted me
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
A short story about romance.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.