me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
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me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I love the smell of relapse in the morning